9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
