Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
