i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
