Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
