When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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