I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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