I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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