I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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