Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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