White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
