Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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