do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
