he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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