allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
