Umm I'm too high to move.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
