i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Bring me that man meat
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
