I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
