At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
