After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
