Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
