i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
