The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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