I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I smell stomach acid.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
