he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think my moral compass just broke
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
