When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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