I could have mohawked her pubes.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
