24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
