The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
