i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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