No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
