wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
