Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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