If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
