I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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