This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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