my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
