I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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