well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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