I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
