if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
