This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We need to get me chipped asap
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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