You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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