From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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