Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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