she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
