this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
