I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
