dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
