Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im holly from the hills drunk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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