You just made me feel so damn special
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the high leading the old right now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
