Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
