Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
