You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
