Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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