your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize