this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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