So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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