totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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