saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
